THIS SUSPICION THING!

Have you wondered why a climate of suspicion pervades so many relationships? It persists amongst men and women alike. Men are constantly on edge that once their women are out the doors they are after some man somewhere. Women think their men are chasing some girl out there behind their backs. Once their partner’s phone number fails to ring, they must have switched off their handsets to forestall any interruption of their pleasure spree or detection of their location. If the line rings at the other end but no answer, then something amiss is going on.
Ladies constantly search their men’s shirt and trouser pockets with the hope of picking up something suspicious or incriminating while men always scroll through their spouses phonebooks and sms directory checking for any strange number or sms. Even funnier scenarios abound where ladies hug their men sniffing them for any strange perfume and vice versa. Every new action, dress or fragrance is scrutinized. In some cases it spills over into the public domain where some individuals (men and women alike) behave funny when someone exchanges greetings or pleasantries with their spouses in public. Looks, handshakes, hugs, gifts, phone calls, visits, appointments, etc are all seriously analyzed for any link to anything untoward.
This whole drama almost always leaves the victim in a state of dilemma. The unpleasant fallouts of this ugly situation are better imagined. Serious-minded, loyal and sincere partners have had to suffer in silence enduring and tolerating such unhealthy climate of suspicion. Some have been transformed into a ghost of their former selves while some have been pushed to the end of their tether leaving them with no option but to do what they’ve been accused of and damning the consequences. Once blissful and thriving relationships have been compromised or completely destroyed. The foundations of several marital unions have cracked exposing both parents and children to the unpleasant consequences of a marital crisis such as sexual abuse, drug abuse, dwindling academic performance, workplace emotional turbulence and lack of focus, depression, disillusion, etc. shared values have been compromised and unnecessary tension have suddenly sprouted in once serene atmospheres. But why? Why all these hullabaloo?
Why would two professed lovers who have pledged commitment to each other’s happiness turn around and begin to undermine that same happiness they have pledge to ensure? Two individuals come across each other. Somehow some interaction is initiated and goes on over time. They begin seeing each other once a while. Soon the “seeing” goes from one level to the next. Pledges and commitments come into the picture. Somehow, whether they live together or apart; married, about to marry or just flirting, their lives become entwined. Then suddenly this suspicion thing rears its ugly head.
Could be that one or the other partner suddenly comes across an old flame in the guise of an old classmate, co-worker, or ex-boyfriend and previously latent emotions begin to steam. Or this love at first sight bug bites one or the other partner and this reckless heart of humans begins to play tricks on its host. On the other hand, it may be that one or both partners are involved in socially-intensive careers that make them interact and keep correspondence with a lot of people. Maybe they are in the management cadre of their organization or in the PR department or other types of jobs that bring them face to face with individuals of diverse backgrounds, personality types and inclinations.
In this modern world of ours where socialization is evolving at a fast-paced manner: noble deeds are being appreciated, favours done are traced and rewarded, distinguished personalities are sought after and commendable characters are hardly left alone. If your partner is good and likable a personality, he or she would be sought after for friendship, for favours, for career upliftment, political appointments and other responsibilities. A gold fish never hides!
This should not constitute a surprise to anyone conversant with current social trends in our contemporary society. Social seclusion, isolation and mutual exclusivity are no longer in vogue. We all need each other to thrive and grow as individuals and as communities in this vast human family.
This piece does not in anyway suggest the non-occurrence of promiscuous escapades of some abstracted individuals nor does it imply even remotely that victims of such infidelity do not suffer pain on the emotional and physical fronts. Sometimes, self-conceited and irrational individuals apply violence to forestall any attempt to call them to responsible conduct thus doubling the suffering of their victims. Even individuals who are shown all the love and care possible within the human context still veer off into dissolute and immoral indulgences.
It would also imply running away from the truth to deny that such negative scenarios put most lovers on edge and generate understandable anxiety with regards to each individual’s relationship. Nobody wants it to happen to him or her and no one wants to be caught hapless. This state of apprehension has driven some to the extreme of a needless policy of suspicion. But the question remains whether it is worth the while, whether all that is invested in terms of time, money and emotions in keeping tabs on a partner’s track, sniffing around for any aroma of infidelity is worth it after all.
Whether the suspicion is voiced or implied through actions or inactions, it still generates the same degrees of pain in the victim’s psyche. And like it or not both parties suffer. Both lives and careers and emotions are subject to some distraction, interruption and perversion occasioned by this relationship-based suspicion.
Not only does this suspicion debase the whole idea of love, it also questions that fidelity that only love can engender and even goes further to strike at the foundation of that mutual trust and maturity the suspicious lover has by several words over time subscribed to. It is needless to refer to that responsibility consequent upon everyone in love towards his or her partner.
Let me state that it is not every man or woman out there that is itchy about a relationship let alone a flirtatious one. Let me also add that as much as no human on earth is ultra-perfect, not everyone is flirty and not everyone is abusing or debasing the mutual trust that is consequent upon shared love.
Where we have done everything right, where we have exhibited and expressed trust and where we appealed to the other’s sense of responsibility, it is needless initiating a pattern of suspicion. That someone accepts to jettison his or her isolation to go into a loving relationship with another does not qualify him or her for undue suspicion let alone funny and degrading accusations of infidelity. Some measure of maturity needs to be exhibited by all of us. Each of us deserves the benefit of the doubt and the highest trust possible within the human family.

NLNG and HIV/AIDS in Bonny Island

Somewhere at the edge of the Atlantic Ocean facing the Bight of Biafra sits the island of Bonny. This serene Niger Delta community has several historical and economic symbolisms for the Nigerian nation. It was the melting point of economic activities right from the 16th century. It serves as Christianity’s first port of call in West Africa. It is also home to so many illustrious sons and daughters of Nigeria. This significant constituent of the larger Ijaw ethnic nationality has her local dialect, Ibani spoken across her various communities. With a thriving traditional system and robust cultural heritage it stands out as one of the foremost local communities in Nigeria. Her traditional institution is headed by Edward William-Dappa Pepple who serves as natural ruler and Amanyanabo-in-Council and ably assisted by a Council of Chiefs headed by Reginald Abbey-Hart who is also chief and head of Captain Hart major house. Her political leadership currently rests on the shoulders of Nelson Ben Irimagha who bears the traditional title of Amasenibo.
The community is subdivided into two main segments – the mainland and the hinterland. The mainland is comprised of the Township, Sandfield, Iwoama, Orosikiri, Aganya, Ayambo, Akiama, Workers Camp, Finima and some outlying fishing settlements lying along the Bonny River’s coastline. The hinterland includes the villages that serve as home to indigenes of Bonny kingdom.
The social serenity of this community has pervaded for a long period down history lane until the advent of the NLNG here. The coming of the LNG Project to the island brought with it several social transformations which have created major concerns to watchers of events in the community. This $20bn World Bank project jointly owned by the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) and oil and gas multinationals operating in Nigeria was established with the aim of mopping up Nigeria’s gas reserves spread out across several oil wells in the southern part of the country. Sequel to a final investment decision (FID) by her owners in the year 1995, a consortium of engineering firms (TSKJ) was awarded a turnkey engineering, procurement and construction (EPC) contract to build the plant, gas transmission system (GTS) and the residential area (RA). Construction commenced in 1996 with a two train base project and by fall of 1999 she was ready to export her first cargo on October 9, 1999. So far the Nigeria Liquefied Natural Gas Ltd has 6 trains on ground and kicking and has contributed so much to the alteration of events on the island. The coming of the NLNG has been both a blessing and a curse. A blessing as it has so far provided, in the last ten years, ongoing means of livelihood for many individuals. It has also availed many tremendous opportunities for training, skills acquisition and acquaintance with international best practices in the construction sector and gas industry. It has also brought some development to the community which has served some positive purposes for the community. These development initiatives include social amenities such as roads, bridges, classroom blocks, boreholes, electricity, etc.
But it can be said that the coming of the project has been more of a curse than a blessing given the negative implications it has caused in the community. The siting of the project on the island has occasioned an influx of people into the community. This has been due to the streaming in of several engineering and construction companies that have been instrumental to the development of the project. With the attendant employment generation and the disposable income made available, a certain twang has been associated with the lifestyle of inhabitants. Purchasing power has been enhanced and as such it became possible for men to go after women and women to run after men. Thus sexual activity between men and women began to be on the rise and soon everyone who cared could have any girl or guy he or she desires. Pleasure-mongers were soon having a field day as more and more places of recreation and pleasure hunting began to spring up around the island from the Mongolo of those days to Bomcarls to the bush bars. Cable Road, Workers Camp and Monkey village became hot spots for illicit sexual escapades. There was money, real money, tax-free to spend. Caution was thrown to the wind and men and women cared less what happened after. What was important was getting laid. Then the HIV/AIDS monster came calling!
Soon the stories were no longer unwanted pregnancies and unwed mothers, it was that someone over there had contacted HIV and someone over here has died of AIDS. Before long the statistics were no longer looking very funny in the eyes of medical practitioners on the island. Sero-prevalence studies on the island were revealing a fast-paced spread of HIV and cases of full-blown AIDS were being witnessed all over from the General Hospital to the Health Center to the NLNG RA Hospital. The more tests were run the more sero-positive cases were popping up. It was no longer business as usual!
But outside the walls of the medical facilities life was going on as usual. Sexual activity was still going on as if nothing was happening. The appetite of individuals for illicit sexual relations was increasingly becoming insatiable. A traversing of the island at night would reveal the high rate of sexual promiscuity thriving on the island. On a visit to Workers Camp junction where you have a beehive of prostitutes, you find a lot of young men hanging around waiting for their turn to go have “a good time.” Why this high level of careless abandon to the issues involved with HIV/AIDS?
The reasons are myriad. But suffice to say that many of these men who come to work in the island leave their spouses behind at home or in the city and as such expose themselves to the temptation of flirting with readily available sex hawkers on the island. Others regard it as once-in-lifetime adventure to lay as many girls as possible before one vacates the human context. Still some believe you have to have whatever you can afford and since there was readily available and expendable disposable income, nothing stops guys from having the best out of life. Many of the women on the island are of the view that there was nothing wrong in having as many men as possible as long as the cash was flowing. A lady needs money for a lot of reasons. She needs to feed herself, clothe herself, make her hair, live comfortably, and even send some money home for the upkeep of the family. times are hard and thus a girl does not have to suffer in the midst of plenty when all that was needed was just her back on any bed or floor or wherever the prospective customer deems fit. That sense of shame that is characteristic of every woman has been thrown to the wind. For both men and women the coming of the condom remains a huge blessing to their runs as they would wish to call it. If one condom proves to be incapable of doing the job, you could fit in as many as three, four or five and life goes on. But can we say all of this is true in all respects?
I dare say this lack of caution is not just dangerous but very saddening. This is borne out of the conviction that issues related to sex do not just border on the economic context but also on the moral aspects. Sex is not a business venture to be attempted by anyone who was interested. But a sacred activity that should exist exclusively within the marriage context. Also, looking at it from the medical perspective, it is very precarious dabbling into sexual activity with just anyone. The interaction of blood or body fluids renders the participants vulnerable to infection of dangerous viruses and bacteria where the medical status of the individuals is not apparent to each other.
Several sexually-transmitted infections have been on the loose even before the advent of HIV. Syphilis, gonorrhea, genital herpes, vaginismus, Chlamydia, hepatitis B, genital warts, trichomoniasis and a host of other terrible life altering infections are spreading at an alarming rate. HIV/AIDS is the most murderous of them all as it targets the human immune system for destruction consequently rendering its victim susceptible to any and every infection. So far some 60 million people have been infected with HIV and about 20 million have died of AIDS. In year 2005 alone 5 million new infections and 3 million AIDS-related deaths occurred. It is a well known fact that very few options exist for the infected in Africa and Nigeria in particular. The vast majority of HIV victims have no access to adequate treatment and this is not funny. And women in particular have to watch it as available statistics indicate a high prevalence of HIV infection among females. On a particular day, five girls were tested for HIV in a certain medical laboratory in Bonny and of the five, four tested positive. At another time, ten individuals were tested and eight of them were tested positive. Six of the eight were young women between the ages of 18 and 25. The facts speak for themselves. Our doubting Thomases can take a stroll to the clinics, hospitals and medical labs to ascertain the facts before sticking ignorantly to their reservations.
AIDS is taking its toll on the African continent and no one should be left in doubt as to its horrendous consequences. False notions about HIV/AIDS are unraveling as time runs by. Something must kill a man does not mean anyone should be killed by HIV/AIDS. Sex with virgins or underage girls does not cure AIDS. Sacrifices, rituals, fetishes and other religious practices do not cure AIDS. Condoms are not 100% safe and AIDS no dey show for face. Girls and guys in Bonny island and everywhere else should exercise some restraint as regards their sexual escapades lest HIV/AIDS be their undoing.

Real Strength: Where does it lie?

Some man walks into his home and is met by his wife at the door querying his late arrival home. Not just that, she goes on to insinuate he has been in on another woman among several. She goes on to lace him with enough verbal insolence. Not giving him a chance at explaining himself, she walks out on him into the bedroom not affording him any of the duties a wife supposedly owes a husband who’s come home after a hard day’s work. The man stands aghast, rooted at the doorstep. If you were this man what would you do?
Some guys would be quick to tell me that all such a woman needs at such a time was a clean slap across the face. Sequel to a thorough blow-intensive beating that for a long while would keep her on the apprehensive. Others would aver that a good cane or belt or some other instrument would do a good job. Still some would prefer to just walk back out of the house and stay away for at least a week before going the direction of that house again. Different men, different responses!
Without meaning to insult the sensibilities of women, it is trite to acknowledge the tricky nature of feminine emotions and how spontaneous its verbalization can be. Very little things set a woman’s emotions rolling. It may just be a careless take-it-for-granted response from you or a divided attention when she’s talking to you. It may be seeing a female name in your handset’s phonebook or hearing a female voice on your phone. Sometimes, it could be your delay or lack of response to her inquiries or just some minor disagreement over a non-life-or-death issue. Trivia, you would say and they naturally would not argue it. It is a trivia-sensitive emotion. Women take their feelings and its dictates very seriously. They can excuse you for every other fault but not for trampling on or ignoring their feelings.
This explains why a guy’s “no” to their advances can’t be excused. It also explains why seeing you or supposing you to be dabbling with some woman out there can be a very touchy issue. Coming late from work for inexplicable reasons, not answering their calls, neglecting little things like their birthdays, a planned date, or some special event in their lives could generate some serious turbulence. All said, how does one respond when a woman’s emotions go gaga?
Someone said sometime ago that “power flows from the barrel of a gun.” This may be true on the political and military turf but not in a relationship. For those who subscribe to male-chauvinism and male-dominance in a relationship, whatever should be done to assert one’s authority over a woman in a relationship whether marital, business or otherwise is excusable. But the question remains as to what can be regarded as real strength. Is it physical exertion of energy in beating up a spouse or the exhibition of restraint in reacting to the unpleasantness of a woman’s emotional outbursts. For this writer, the latter can better be regarded as strength, real strength. It is a sign of weakness when a man or anyone at all instead of exercising some measure of self-control and negotiating his or her way through a dicey situation, he or she prefers to bulldoze his or her way through the situation.
Without assuming the absence of some dissenting opinion to my point of view, I believe the rise in cases of domestic violence (gender-based violence, to be exact) targeted at women and children would be halted if not obliterated were the menfolk to show some degree of real and responsible and positive masculinity. Everywhere stories of wife-battering are rife. It is either you see a guy slapping his girlfriend or a supposed husband beating the daylights out of a woman he has promised to love and cherish. Many times this abnormal behaviour has resulted in physical injuries or even loss of life. Always it has caused or deepened existing emotional injuries. Some women have responded by being depressed or reclusive or totally withdrawn. It even gets to the extreme where the behaviour is generalized, terming all men to be beasts - all alike with different faces. I think this is unnecessary.
Women are verbally-oriented no doubt and sometimes this verbal-orientation could be unsettling and tasking of a man’s emotions. Sometime ago someone (not this writer) said women think in a linear mode. I’m still researching to ascertain its veracity but sometimes you find a woman begins to talk and never veers off a particular line of thought until she has exhausted words and energy. Most times, a woman goes on nagging for a whole day or even week over a trivial issue inspite of every effort of her man to resolve the issue. These are scenarios most of us men are conversant with in our society and as such should not be allowed to throw us off-balance. But surprisingly some amongst us lose their cool and exert tremendous physical force on the women which is quite unacceptable and degrading of the nobility of manhood.
Almost always you find some man battering the lady he calls his “baby” or “babe.” When did baby-battering become an exciting pastime? Let the men exhibit some maturity in this respect!
Then some men would ask what should be a man’s response if insulted or verbally chastised by some woman. Should he swallow his pride and bear the insolence and quietly walk away? Should he forget his ego and go home to nurse his wounds? Should he inadvertently encourage his wife to go on with her wrongdoing by not responding to her whining and vituperations?
Well none of such is meant by this article. But it would help us to ask if a girl would accept to relate with a man if such a man comes beating her up. Would a woman who witnesses the battering of another woman by a man be favorably disposed to have an affair with such a man with animalistic tendencies? I’d rather assume that to be impossible.
Most women would agree with me that there are better ways of “teaching” a woman the lesson of her life. Likewise those who have mastered the art of managing women would acknowledge the fact that mere silence could be so unsettling for a woman than ten years of beating. Eating a woman’s food without appreciating it or at least commenting on it; failing to notice her as you walk by or feigning not to have heard her greeting; refusing to take her suggestions about your plans, mode of dress, appearance or anything else; failing to call, text, or e-mail her or failing to reply her text or e-mails, answering or returning her calls; refusing to comment on her appearance or dress; avoiding her face or eyes; keeping to yourself almost all the time and leaving her out of your activities or plans are all bitter pills that no woman would want to swallow. These and many more are funny experiences that are disheartening in the least for any woman any day. I can tell you more ways of handling troublesome women if you visit my blogsite. I mean very many other ways of bringing a woman to her knees without uttering a word or lifting a finger.
When a woman begins to behave funny you don’t have to heat up the polity of your relationship by overworking your emotions or even degenerating to the level of using violence to score your point. Women, no matter how forward or potty-mouthed they appear to be, are weaker than men and are very vulnerable, very vulnerable. Let men learn to respect that as it would be in their best interest. Let all violent tendencies be put behind us. Another aspect of this is the use of derogatory or harsh words on women and its implications on relationships. We’ll talk about that in our next issue. Or you can visit our blogsite to see more on this. See you then!

Need a wife? Go for a Nigerian girl

Have you ever thought of getting a Nigerian girl for a wife? You are not  alone and you are not mistaken in that regard. You might be a foreigner living or working in Nigeria. Or it might be you are in your home country over there in US, UK, Asia, Australia or in the Caribbean. On the other hand, you might be an African either  from Ghana, Kenya, Cameroun or South Africa. Or maybe you are a Nigerian guy, at home or in the Diaspora, contemplating marriage. Whichever category you belong, whatever nationality, race or background, I can tell you it’s an amazing experience to be married to a Nigerian girl. And this for good reason.  

It is something I know that Nigerian girls are some of the best girls in the world in very many respects. For those of you guys who have got the opportunity of working in Nigeria or visiting the country, you must be conversant with the social life of Nigerians, especially the good natured mannerisms displayed by these girls. You know, sometimes, there are instances of some men who come to Nigeria to work only to bid their spouses goodbye effectively putting an end to their marital relationship due to the “sweetness” of their affair with a Naija girl. As much as I don’t support such conduct, I think it speaks volumes of what a Nigerian girl represents in terms of fascinating a man’s mind.

Generally speaking, an average Nigerian girl is groomed from birth to be everything a man would expect of a woman and a wife. She is taught to cook, to wash, to keep house and to do a lot of other things that home-keeping requires. They become very proficient with as many dishes and cuisines as possible. From native Nigerian dishes to African and continental dishes, she is horned in the preparation and presentation to her guests. She is taught table manners, etiquette, home-making and men management, so to speak. Hardly you find a Nigerian girl that doesn’t know what it takes to keep her man at home and comfortable. This is something you find in every part of Nigeria.

From the girls in the riverine communities of the Niger Delta to the Fulani cattle- rearers daughters in Sokoto. Go from Obudu Ranch in Ogoja to the River Niger in Onitsha; go on to Enugu in the Eastern heartland to the streets of Port Harcourt; continue your trip to the West and meet the Yoruba ladies in Lagos, follow them to Ibadan, then move from Ilorin into Kogi and into the Middle-belt and meet the women of Idoma, Langtang, Gboko and Makurdi and trace your path into Kano, Kaduna and arrive in Dutse: you would have had a refreshing feel of what feminine beauty abounds in the Heart of Africa – Nigeria. You would then agree with me that Nigeria isn’t the giant of Africa for nothing. She has what it takes to retain that title at least with regards to feminine gems. 

Whether they are clad in native Nigerian attires or Western costumes they exude such beauty that would make any man’s head spin. Individually and collectively, Nigerian girls know how to adorn themselves and bring out the best of that beauty the feminine folk possess. It doesn’t matter where you meet them, be it in a typical rural community in Igbo land, in the busy streets of New York, in the snow-fleeced shores of Reykjavik or at the busy markets of Dubai, you will never miss out on what I’m telling you about Nigerian girls’ knack for fashion. Infact, their fashion consciousness is unrivalled. Have you checked the runways recently?

Their suits are superb. Talk of their wrappers (Hollandies, Akwete, Brocade, Jacquard, Ankara, etc), blouses (plain or beaded), skirts (long, short, straight, pleated, or whatever style), cardigans, lingerie or any other clothes they put on is always right on them. Have you checked on their jewellery – bangles, earrings, necklaces, rings, trinkets, pendants, etc? You would be stunned to see how snug their footwear – high-heeled or low-heeled shoes, moccasin, sandals, etc and even their perfumes are always superb on them. You won’t regret putting your money on them because for sure they’ll so radiate so much beauty that you’ll wonder if you shouldn’t have done more.

What can we say of the self-confidence and unassuming mien of an average Naija girl. She knows how to switch modes of attitudes to please you at all costs. A Nigerian girl is never the type to shift grounds when she knows there’s nothing to lose.

Lest I forget, Nigerian girls hardly get sick, so you won’t have to bother about being hooked with a sickler. Even HIV finds them tough to handle. Remember I’m not asking you to go play with them without a condom. Never leave your condom at home, especially if you met her at Allen Avenue or any other red light district in Nigeria or elsewhere. I can’t vouch for what happens or does not happen. All I know is that you’ll have a good time.

From the foregoing you can see why I am optimistic about guys from every part of the world shopping for wives from Nigeria. Naija girls already have the background information, knowledge and expertise to cater to any man’s need, be it culinary, marital, sexual or circumstances. They can fit in to your life for good and make you happy real good.

Now that we’ve got through the fundamental issues about the suitability and marketability of a Nigerian girl let me state that they are not for sale or trafficking. It is not only a crime against the sovereignty and dignity of Nigeria as a nation and her people but also a crime against humanity for anyone to engage Nigerian girls or any girl for that matter (underaged or overaged) in human trafficking, prostitution, drug deals or whatever else that is unconscionable.

So how do you go about getting a Nigerian girl for a wife? Well, not much. Just a few easy steps: You can walk into any Nigerian mission in any country and request for information regarding Nigerian girls and you can walk out with enough contact information for as many ladies as you would want to stake your luck on.

You could also go to any Internet dating sites (Date.com, adultfriendfinder.com, etc), get registered and check in your preferences (for Nigerian ladies) and you can be inundated with as many profiles of members from Nigeria. You’ll find a bevy of beauties waiting for you to reach out to them and change your life for good.

Still you could use any of the messenger facilities (Yahoo Messenger, MSN Messenger, etc) on the Internet to connect with and chat with as many ladies as you can find. Who knows you could be on to something real good, like a lifetime experience.

You could be invited to Nigeria to come take one of these jewels to your home country. Or if you prefer to stay around, you stand the opportunity of benefiting from lots of privileges available to foreigners. In many communities in Nigeria, it is customary to allocate land to a daughter of the soil for her spouse who is a foreigner to develop for residential and/or commercial purposes. You also stand the opportunity of being privileged to be made a title citizen of the community where you reside and do business or even be awarded a national honour. The advantages of marrying a Nigerian girl are limitless, no inexhaustible.

I am personally inviting all you guys – American, British, French, Spanish, Dutch, Asian, etc – to take the next flight to Nigeria and you’ll never regret your quest. Get a Nigerian girl now!